Nat Bender

You might be a terrorist…

In the interest of national security, we are providing a self-test list of possible terrorist activities and tendencies that we are asking all patriotic Americans to review. If you answer more than a few of these questions positively, please send the test results to John Ascroft. It will go easier on your if you go peacefully by turning yourself in, instead of waiting for the no-knock on your door in the middle of the night.

Please consider…Does a simple reading of the USA Patriot Act conjures up fearful images of jack-booted thugs going through your garbage? If this is the case, you just might be a terrorist.

Is the only “W” you like in “WWW”? Terrorist!

If you don’t believe that Saddam Hussein is hiding some weapons of mass destruction in an underground bunker in the dessert and think the war on Iraq is about oil, you are a mistrustful conspiracy theorist of the terrorist kind.

Drive a hybrid electric car, instead of a SUV? Terrorist!

Does your idea of exercising your civil liberties include sign or puppet-making, joining a picket line or speaking out against injustice. If so, you better start brushing up on foreign languages before your deportation hearing because you are showing terrorist tendencies.

Work for peace and social justice? Terrorist!

When talking with co-workers about an upcoming vote in a local, state or national election, have ever compared the choice between the leading Republican and Democratic candidates to “Coke or Pepsi?” Then you might as well surrender now, because the guy who wants your job has already turned you in and the state is processing your paperwork.

Vote Green? Terrorist!

Upon hearing about a police shooting of an unarmed black suspect, do you automatically think he had it coming to him? If not, you are showing a dangerous pattern of anti-state terrorist thinking. If you question the police actions, or call for prosecution, please start speaking clearly for the roving wire-tap on your phone, gathering much-needed evidence of your terrorist evil-doing.

Stand for equal rights for all? Terrorist!

If your concept of internationalism means more than rooting for the Canadian hockey team after the US gets knocked out of the Olympics, you can just cash in your frequent flyer miles for a one-way ticket to Havana and get out of this God-fearing country you terrorist traitor!

Love your neighbor? Terrorist!

Furthermore, if you don’t think the US has a fair objective press and insist on writing critical letters to the paper, posting subversive materials on web sites and e-mailing around contradictory foreign press articles to their friends, please go out and buy a turban so you will fit in with the other “enemy combatants” at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba because that’s where you’re headed, comrade terrorist.

Listen to Pacifica radio? Terrorist!

If you belong to any groups where the FBI or CIA decide they need to attend to insure domestic security, you may have already signed away your citizenship on the attendance sheet. This could include your block association, the PTA, the church choir or any other group making noise about your so-called rights. If you have prefaced any of your comments in these meetings with the phrase, “brothers and sisters…” you have moved to the top of the subversive terrorist list.

Consider the LGBT community your brothers and sisters? (Or just know what the initials stand for?) Terrorist!

Speaking of siblings, if you think that great new technologies such as e-mail filtering through Carnivore, roving phone wire-taps, video monitoring of peaceful demonstrations and Total Information Awareness are more reminiscent of “big brother” than innovation, you sound like an anti-technology Luddite, an environmentalist or some other kind of anti-American throwback. Maybe you would be more comfortable in pre-industrial third world country helping them work off their US debt as you toil beside your young terrorist children producing Tommy Hilfiger jeans at $.12 per hour.

Join a union? Terrorist!

If your economic analysis questions the use of taxpayer funds to bailout corporations plundered by CEOs with golden parachutes raiding workers pensions and you dare to term this “corporate welfare” comparing it to the rapidly disappearing social safety net for the working poor, you are a public enemy the likes of Osama Bin-Laden. Fortunately for you, keeping you a terrorist at large will serve the military industrial complex well in justifying a billion dollar mission to uncover your whereabouts.

Demand corporate accountability? Terrorist!

Does your bookshelf have titles from egghead intellectuals such as Noam Chomsky, Cornell West or Michael Parenti? Be careful, as these types of books breed terrorism by undermining dominant social values. Mixed with periodicals such as The Nation, The Progressive or Mother Jones, the ideas represented in this library can land you smack on top of John Ashcroft’s naughty terrorist list.

Demand real public education? Terrorist!

We hope you answered these questions truthfully as the President Select’s God is looking directly into your soul for future terrorist indiscretions. And you realize “W”’s God is not a kind and forgiving God, more of a vengeful and wrathful deity who will smote you for looking at a bare-breasted statue, dancing or any of 37 other such serious felonies in Texas. Terrorist!

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